'I'm speaking to you from the tiny rural village of Upton-in-the-Marsh, which has been completely cut off by floodwater for the past week. Until I arrived this morning, the inhabitants had had no contact with the outside world for seven days.'
'For the past week, the local residents have been gazing out at the floodwater and waiting for help to arrive.'
'Excuse me, but...'
'When I got here, I was embraced by weeping villagers, overcome with joy that someone had at last recognized their plight and come to their aid.'
'Now look here...!'
'They are down the the last reserves in their store cupboards; no food or medical supplies have come in since the deluge began.'
'Rubbish! Mike and Amy here have have been running errands to the next village in their kayaks...'
'I paddled my canoe through ten-foot-deep water along flooded lanes where no-one has ventured for at least a week.'
'...and Bill's been bringing in milk on his tractor every morning.'
'It was heartwarming to see the residents' obvious emotion as they welcomed the first new face for days.'
'You mean, apart from the BBC camera crew over there? And ITV news last Friday, and those blokes in the dinghy from the local police?'
'This is a community in crisis facing an unprecedented challenge.'
'Oh, for goodness' sake! This area has been flooding on a regular basis since before the Domesday Book; that's why the village is built on a hilltop.'
'I'm only glad I could bring these unfortunate people some small comfort by being the first to bring their desperate situation to the world's notice.
'As you see, their gratitude has left them at a loss for words.'
Inspired, perhaps unsurprisingly, by The Mail.
But what happens to the poor shoplifter?
9 hours ago