Another slice of squirrel, Julia?

A few weeks ago I posted on the menace of forty-pound American Lobsters invading British waters and, with selfless patriotism, the valiant JuliaM offered to deal with the interlopers by eating them.

I suggested at the time she might like to apply the same tactics to the ubiquitous grey squirrel, and it looks like other people have been having the same idea. A branch of Budgens has set the cat amongst the pigeons, so to speak, by offering squirrel meat for sale.

This has not pleased the fluffy brigade, who have described the supermarket as profiting from a ‘wildlife massacre’. According to zoologist and veggie lobbyist Juliet Gellatley:

'If this store is attempting to stand out from the crowd by selling squirrel, the only message they are giving out is that they are happy to have the blood of a beautiful wild animal on their hands for the sake of a few quid.'

Er, right.

I suppose beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but, carnivore or vegetarian, it seems a little odd to classify the relative morality of meat by the animal’s looks. Presumably venison’s right out, then –"You shot Bambi’s mother!”

Jenny Seagrove goes one better: 'It is unbelievable that our wild grey squirrels are now being killed and packaged up for sale in such high street stores.’

I’m not entirely sure why she has trouble grasping the concept. There may be no long-standing tradition of grey squirrel consumption in Britain, but that’s largely because we didn’t have them until the end of the 19th century.

Had they been here since Norman times, like the humble rabbit, perhaps Ms Seagrove would be rather less starry-eyed about the little pests, instead of railing against the injustice of it all:

'Anyone who cares about wildlife, as I do, should be appalled at Budgens for allowing this. It seems that no animal is to be spared falling victim to such companies' marketing ploys. What gruesome product will be next to grace our food aisles? Blackbird, fieldmouse or mole?'

I can’t wait to find out!

Happy shrimp come out to play

Typical. You wait ages for a crustacean story then two come along at once. This time it's shrimps, who are, it seems, so whacked-out on Prozac they've lost their instincts for self-preservation.

'Portsmouth University researchers looked at the effect of the anti-depressant fluoxetine, also known as Prozac, on the behaviour of shrimps. The shrimps are widely found in British coastal waters, close to treatment plants where the water may be contaminated with Prozac.

The researchers found that the crustaceans, which are usually happiest when hiding under rocks or clumps of seaweed, were drawn out into the open. It is thought that just as in people, Prozac is altering levels of the brain chemical serotonin. But, while in people this lifts mood, in shrimps, it draws them towards light - and into harm's way.'

Despite the media reaction, eagle-eyed readers will have noticed that we are looking at hypothetical conclusions drawn from what was presumably a lab experiment - there's no hard evidence to back it up in the wider natural habitat, at least as yet; just a lot of 'ifs' and maybes'.

But it's a worrying business contemplating what may be pouring into the seas - even if these researchers are wrong and the shrimps are still morose and depressed, they are likely to be getting a potent cocktail including, among other things, oestrogen and caffeine (sounds like the ideal drink for hen nights in Portsmouth - perhaps they could call it 'Sex and the City?').

'Previous studies have shown that caffeine is released into our waterways after surviving the sewage treatment process. The hormones from the contraceptive Pill and HRT have been blamed for feminising fish, leading to male fish producing eggs.'

According to Marine zoologist Alex Ford, 'Effluent is concentrated in river estuaries and coastal areas, which is where shrimps and other marine life live - this means that shrimps are taking on the excreted drugs of whole towns.'

Trouble is, all that effluent provides just the sort of nutrient-rich environment shrimp and shellfish love. Seafood salad, anyone?

Attack of the forty-pound lobsters

Be afraid. Be very afraid. There’s something lurking in the waters off Selsey.

Scientists say British lobsters are threatened by the appearance of homarus americanus – known to fishermen as the great big bastard Yank lobster - which can weigh up to three stone.

These monsters can carry a disease – spread by cannibalism – which can kill their weaker European cousins and are far more aggressive than the home-grown gammarus variety (presumably that’s why the lobster fishermen of Maine have such a tough reputation).

And they didn’t stray into English waters by accident. Fishermen have found only adult specimens, and only in one location. Scientists believe that they were bought at fish markets or restaurants and released into the wild by persons unknown.

You can picture the scene; misty-eyed animal rights activists save up to purchase a massive imported lobster, then release it into the sea – probably with cries of ‘Swim, little one, swim’ - before heading off to celebrate with a cup of fair-trade chamomile tea.

For weeks they'll be patting themselves on the back - it was awesome! Like 'Free Willy', only spikier - and congratulating themselves on their gift to Mother Nature. Meanwhile their protégé happily sets about cannibalising every homarus gammarus it can find and wrecking the local ecosystem.

One can only hope that the next one gives them a very nasty nip indeed.