"A man's soul can be judged by the way he treats his dog."

The diverse unpleasant doings of the underclass have long been the preserve of the indefatigable JuliaM, whose blog is well-equipped with labels for their various nefarious antics.

That said, occasionally a story comes along that prompts even the more reticent among us to comment.

Remember the prison van that made a 96-mile trip in order to transport a suspect 60 yards because, it was claimed, to walk from the police station to the magistrates court next door in handcuffs would 'breach his human rights'?

Naturally the song-and-dance over avoiding the 60-yard walk to court attracted far more attention than the walk itself could ever have done, and, in any case, turned out to be something of a red herring; it was the security contractor who chose to send the van - at public expense - citing human rights as justification*.

The charges against the suspect at that initial appearance were described only as a 'public order offence' - as opposed to his conditional discharge for shoplifting and the robbery charges he was facing in Oxford at the time:

The 27-year-old threatened to stab student Emma-Jane Pring if she didn’t hand over money. Thomas, who has 19 previous convictions for 30 offences, admitted attempted robbery.

Judge Corrie said: “You don’t seem to feel any shame... you have been smiling throughout the proceedings.”
The case in Banbury has finally been heard - the 60-yard van journey having resulted in a plea of 'not guilty' - and, if you thought your opinion of him couldn't get any lower, think again.

Drunken Oliver Thomas tossed a neighbour’s pet dog out of a third floor window because he was angry with it, magistrates heard yesterday. The Bichon Frise died in pain after plunging more than 50 feet.

Actually, the headline is not quite accurate; according to the article, Thomas grabbed the dog, walked to the open window and held the struggling animal outside for several seconds before letting go. The only statement offered in mitigation was that he was so drunk he did not know what he was doing and now feels remorse, which suggests even his defence team were struggling with this one.

I'd hate to be putting ideas into their heads, but it strikes me that Thomas, like Karen Matthews, suffers from an almost pathological lack of maturity. His attack on the dog was the unthinking cruelty of an angry child, while his many and varied previous crimes - including assault and damaging a car - suggest infantile levels of reasoning and self-control.

There's something childish, too, in his denial of 'causing unnecessary suffering'. Despite the evidence of the dog's owner and another witness, Thomas initially claimed the dog had slipped out of the fanlight window, only changing his story when he was confronted with overwhelming testimony - or 'found out', as he probably sees it.

Thomas (now with 20 previous convictions for 31 offences) has been jailed for 18 weeks - I can hear Julia sighing from here - which, even allowing for early release, should at least give him time to find out how his fellow-inmates feel about cruelty to small, fluffy dogs; I understand even the most hardened criminals have a sentimental side.

Oh, and the attempted robbery last year? That got him a suspended sentence. Sorry, Julia!


*Even the prisoner thought it was ridiculous: "surely they could have just walked me there in handcuffs".

Wanted - Robocop (must be good with animals)

Good news for postmen! Plans are afoot to ensure dog owners have their pets microchipped and take out third party insurance.

New legal powers - inevitably dubbed 'dogbos' - could require a dog to be fenced in, neutered, muzzled or kept on a lead, and for an owner to attend a dog handling course - an encouraging though if you're among the 92 postmen attacked each week.

(Ma Peachum, my infallible source of homespun wisdom, suggests an olefactory solution for that particular problem - in her village, the visiting butcher has never been attacked by a dog on his weekly rounds; in fact he is regularly greeted with much doggy enthusiasm. Give every postie a pork pie in his bag and you might see a change.)

With 5,221 people needing hospital treatment after dog attacks last year, there is obviously a serious problem; Alan Johnson - himself the victim of two dog attacks in his postman days - seems confident it can be tackled with legislation.

So all dog owners will henceforth obediently queue up to pay for a licence, training courses and £300 p.a. insurance; all in, it's not far off the cost of running a car. And of course no one would drive a car without a full current licence and paid-up tax and insurance, would they?

And while you can check a car numberplate at a distance, to read a microchip (or detect its absence) means getting up rather too close and personal for comfort. If the stories in today's papers are anything to go by, if the dog doesn't get you, the owner will.

So it's nice and easy to inspect a lady's lapdog or check the details of a family labrador. But the ones you ought to be checking will, naturally, be those presenting an apparent threat. So the big question is not what the new powers will be, but who will actually be enforcing them and how.

Advent Calendars For Dogs...

..and cats are being sold in a local pet shop, according to a sign outside.

Now, I checked in the dictionary, and Advent is defined as 'the season before the Nativity'. The idea of a calendar to count down the days until the birth of Jesus has already been secularised to a startling extent by Disney and Spice Girl versions and we have reached a stage where a child is likely to feel short-changed if the windows don't contain chocolate, but an advent calendar for pets takes it to a whole new level.

Only the most blindly devoted anthropomorphist could maintain that a dog or cat has any understanding of the concept involved so we must assume that, far from a demonstration of the intelligence of pets, these calendars are a manifestation of the besottedness of owners - unless, of course, you are buying one in a delightfully post-modernist ironic way*.

Counting the days until the arrival of presents rather than the earthly manifestation of Christianity's supreme being did, of course, greatly increase the potential market for advent calendars beyond the actively religious (and the chocolate must have helped) but it has yet to be seen whether manufacturers will beat the credit crunch by tapping into an as yet unexploited market.

*It's one of those irregular verbs; I make a post-modernist ironic purchase, you have more money than sense, he is just a vulgar idiot.

Obama: still considering choice of dog for White House

Hold the front page! As the BBC news strapline said, in answer to a question from one of the highly-trained political journalists at this evening's press conference Barack Obama revealed that they had still not chosen the future First Puppy.

He explained that this is because the dog must be hypo-allergenic (?!) and secondly - here's the good bit! - they would like to get a dog from a shelter, and they can't name a breed because "most shelter dogs are mutts, like me".

Parental concern, social responsibility and racial integration all rolled into the answer to a trivial and facetious question - that man is one skilled political operator!

Back in the UK, a cursory glance at tonight's television schedules shows that the Friday night slot left unexpectedly vacant following a certain resignation is to be filled by a screening of 'Armageddon'.

Last week, the hastily-found replacement for the show was 'Speed', in which an out-of-control bus causes havoc. Is the BBC trying to tailor its programming to the tastes of those newly deprived of Ross' sophisticated repartee or is someone trying to make a not-so-subtle comment on his career?