“It’s the way I tell ‘em”

In what must be one of the most inappropriate speeches ever to (dis)grace the benches of the House of Lords (text in full here), the Archbishop of Canterbury’s valedictory address turned out to be a truly astonishing example of crass, self-righteous egotism and ill-judged humour, complete with a gag about who won when ‘revolting peasants’ played football with the severed head of one of his predecessors.

I’ve been torn between rage at his failure to take full responsibility for his ‘lack of curiosity’ and ‘tendency to minimise’ the problem in the case of John Smyth, especially in the wake of numerous other poor decisions and errors of judgement, and a certain horrified amusement at his spectacular failure to read the room or the mood of the country at large. That I have given way to the latter and tried to capture the bizarrely incongruous tone of the speech in music is in no way intended to trivialise or disrespect those who have suffered as a result of Welby’s actions (or inaction).

I’ve stuck pretty closely to the content of his speech and yes, along with the egocentric and tastelessly facetious opening remarks - and after referring to the Church of England’s past safeguarding failures - he really did make a light-hearted comment about being unable to find his way around the Palace of Westminster and using the carpet colour to navigate.

(There’s an incisive take on this story at Eccles is Saved.)

(The Archbishop of Canterbury kicks off at 2m14s.)

My lords, it’s said quite often

- A cliché, yes, but hey,

With my Archbishop’s hat on I am still allowed to say 

That God finds it amusing

When planning goes astray;

I bet he’s up there laughing as I speak to you today.

My diary secretary is feeling rather blue 

With all the rearranging I’ve given him to do,

But for the Church’s failures

A head must roll, they say,

And I’m in charge so that is why I’m bowing out today.

Whether I am culpable depends upon your view,

But resignation’s called for, so that’s what I have to do.

I still get lost around here

So, once I’ve had my say, 

Please show me the red carpet and then I’ll be on my way.

A