Expenses! - the musical

It seems to me that we have a West End hit in the making - a cast of hundreds, opulent stage sets (courtesy of John Lewis) and plenty of drama - so here's the first big chorus number...

With grateful thanks and apologies to Weird Al Yankovic ('Ebay')

(It's all on) Expenses

A new worktop counter,
A milk chocolate Santa,
A packet of biscuits,
A sackful of horse shit.

A flat screen and Cable,
A new dining table,
A pouffe and a loo seat,
It's all there on the receipt.

Tell me why our taxes paid for Geoff Hoon
(Tell me why) to decorate his bathroom,
Tell me what exactly his defence is
For claiming it on expenses.

A plastic ice-cube tray,
A tea-set from E-bay,
A wine rack, some house bricks
And Dick Timney’s skinflicks.

Tell me why a mirror for your make-up,
Tell me why so many brews at Starbucks,
Tell me why a drill to mend your fences
All claimed on expenses.

Tell me why a packet of Maltesers,
Tell me why two tins of chicken Cesar,
Tell me why you took leave of your senses
And claimed it all on expenses.
(Yes, it's all on expenses.)

H/T to the grauniad via Counting Cats in Zanzibar.
For more details, see the Telegraph - but you already knew that.